Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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