If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
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