saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
