I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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