but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
