How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
