enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
