Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
