Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I wish there were birth control emojis
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
