Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
