I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
