I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
