Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
