2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
