I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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