it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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