Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
