bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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