Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
