Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
