I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize