The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
