idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
