it hurts more in the daytime
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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