she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
And then he peed in my hair
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