I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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