Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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