wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need a beard to bite.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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