Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
