Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
