I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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