I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
