Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
