Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm always down for nudity.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
