Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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