I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
