therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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