my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize