It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
