Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
there is glitter all over my balls
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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