On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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