Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize