I must be too annoying 4 u.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
