My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just cropdusted the office
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
