And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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