Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
