please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
