Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Randomize
