Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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