rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
