When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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