Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
