Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I need to align my fucking chakras
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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