Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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