Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
