i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
